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Thursday, June 26, 2008

The Real Sporting World, Episode Five: Make it Rain!

Clips are shown from the last few episodes, culminating in the fact that the lie detector test and Clemens’ replacement are both taking place tonight. In a surprising twist, instead of showing each lie detector test in full, clips are shown of certain questions to our athletes in a montage. Some playful, circus music is playing in the background. Hey, the producers aren’t going to win any awards for this show, but they try! The fun starts off with an opening shot of McBeam.


McBeam: “Okay, after you give the answer to your question -- it will either emit a short low beep if you told the truth, or an obnoxious, fire alarm-esque siren if you lied. So it would behoove you tell the truth.” He starts laughing. Has he already started consuming his Jim Beam?


McBeam: “This is from Doug, who hails from Dover, Delaware. He wants to know, ‘Will you please stop doing so many commercials?’”


Peyton: “Never.” A short beep is heard. What a shocker.


McBeam: “Tom, this ones from Becky from Montpiliar, Vermont. ‘In all seriousness, how many times do you look in the mirror each day?’”


Brady: “Uhh..” He frowns, knowing he has to tell the truth. “I dunno, fifteen -- twenty times?” A short beep confirms our worst fears. Or most passionate desires.


McBeam: “Mark, no one at all submitted a question for you -- so we made one up ourselves: ‘Do you take any kind of medication?’”


Madsen: “Only the medication of the love for basketball!” He raises his hands, completely oblivious to the obnoxious fire alarm sound that informs everyone that was just a lie. “I LOVE BASKETBALL BABY, WOO!”


In between the montage, a silhouette is shown of someone approaching the Real Sporting World House. Could it be Clemens replacement? And why so quickly?


McBeam: “David from Chi-Town, USA wants to know LaDainian: ‘How much does Vizio pay you to pimp their product?’”


LaDainian: “What is that supposed to mean?” He frowns. “They don’t pay me anything! They don’t need too!” A short beep confirms what we’ve all known all along: L.T. just loves him some Vizio’s!


The silhouette is shown opening up the door of the house.


McBeam: “Okay, A-Rod. You ready?” The door can be heard opening. “Oh! Our replacement for Roger is here already!”


Peyton: “Wait, already?”


McBeam: “Yes, we actually have another place nearby that houses six other potential replacement athletes. I can’t tell you who they are though -- but your about to learn who one of them is.”


Brady: “Who’s the producer of this show? Is he alright?”

The camera cuts to the front door of the house, showing it slowly open. It reveals:

Pacman Jones!


Pacman: “What up, pimps!?”


He’s smoking what appears to be a large cigar.


McBeam: “Welcome Pacman!” He scurries over to try and shake his hand. Is McBeam a Cowboys fan?


Pacman: “Yo! Step the fuck back, PUPPET!” He points at McBeam.


McBeam: “Pacman, it’s cool -- I’m the host!”


Pacman: “I said step back!” He starts stepping towards McBeam.


McBeam: “Okay, fine, fine!” He starts backing up.


Pacman grabs a lamp from a nearby table and charges our mascot. He smashes Steely in the face several times. The show’s producers make a note to change this to a TV-MA program.


Pacman: “WHAT?! WHAT NOW!?” Several other housemates run over to peel him off of Steely. “I WARNED YOU PUPPET!” He’s pointing at Steely, very much bullshit. Steely is unconscious where he was beaten. Whether it was the lamp upside the face a couple times, his Jim Beam consumption, or a mixture of the two, the athlete’s love of Steely is shown by nearly everyone crowding around him. Everyone except Mad Dog.


Madsen: “Yo Pacman! THANK YOU! I HATED THAT PUPPET!” He offers a high-five to Pacman, who looks at him as if he was a strip club without booze.



Pacman: “STEP BACK!” He points at Madsen. A random person clad in black suddenly appears. He is seen escorting Pacman away with various, MMA type skills. The ruckus dies down once the legend is gone. The camera cuts back into the lie detector montage.


McBeam: “Manny, Jose from Costa Rica would like to know: ‘Plantains or flan? What is the better breakfast?’”


Manny: “He crazy! Everyone know is FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!” He points at the ceiling, grinning.


McBeam: “Okay A-Rod, Doug from the Bronx, NY would like to know: ‘Why are you infecting my team with your fakely intense, I‘m not gay but act it lifestyle!! GO BACK TO SEATTLE!!’”


A-Rod: “Wait, what was the question?”


McBeam: “Okay, Pau -- no one knew we’d be asking you questions so like Mad Dog, we thought up some for you by ourselves. What planet are you from? Seriously..”


Gasol: “Whatever planet milord came from, I am from also. It is the way of the universe.”


The camera cuts to a shot of Gasol being escorted out of the house. Kobe wipes his brow.


McBeam: “Kobe, Michaela from Champagne, Illinois would like to know: ‘Is your favorite color baby blue?’”


Kobe: “Damn right it is!” He shrugs, as if this was the dumbest question ever. Hm.. fishy.


The camera cuts to Steely being taken from the house on a stretcher. Once he’s gone, our athletes stand around like a bunch of dumb asses for a bit -- until Mad Dog begins to run towards the basement.


Madsen: “BOOOOOOOOOOOOZEEEEE!!”


Everyone smiles. Was that a bonding moment we just witnessed?

The cheesy, end of the show reality music plays, followed by a big drum sound and a preview of next week.

Next week on the Real Sporting World: Will McBeam be back as our well beloved host? Is Pacman seriously a real person? Who will replace Clemens/Pacman’s spot and is it a cursed position? You’ll have to wait and see, next week on The Real Sporting World!

Blogger Q&A with BigPPup


Name: Dumont Walker

Nickname: Predator on account of the way my dreadlocks look when I’m playing rugby. BigPPup… yeah long story that I don’t even remember anymore since I’ve had it so long.

Favorite Sports Team: University of Virginia anything they play


Favorite Player of all time: Ali


Favorite food: Wings if I’m lounging around and watching the game. Other than that, give me a good steak (NY Strip or Porterhouse) and a potato.

Favorite drink: Beer, Miller Lite at the bar, High Life at the house, and Amstel when I want to step it up a notch. Don’t forget the Southern Comfort either.


If you could take three things with you on a deserted island, what would they be?

Gotta have my laptop and some Wifi, I’d also want to have a solid supply of rum or whiskey because I mean damn I’m on an Island what else is there to do but drink and go to the beach? Last I want to have a rugby ball so I’d something to do, practice my kicking or something. Plus drunken rugby is great.

Favorite word: Bro but has to be said with a South African or a Kiwi accent.


If you could be an animal, what animal would you be and why: Cat, I know it’s been said already, but I look at my cats and they have the world handed to them. They sleep in my bed when I have to go to work. When they are hungry they get fed, they get whatever they want so it’s a nice life.

Favorite sporting moment of all time: 2004 UVA scores about 35 unanswered points against Va Tech in the last game of the season. I’m in Scott Stadium with my closest friends and we got to storm the field and pop our shoe on the 50.


What do you bring to the table? I am the whole show. I love sports. I’ve played sports my entire lie. I love all sports not just the typical American big ones.

What do you take off the table? Not possible next question.


If you could have lunch with any three people in the world, who would it be and why:
Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, My dad,


Describe yourself in one word: Phenomenal

Favorite sport and why: Rugby is my favorite especially since I still play, but football is my passion.

The Best Seats in Baseball, I think not


In general, when I surf the net (in this case, while watching the 4th tier league's draft), I keep a few sites up for viewing while I wait for another page (typical of crappy quality) to load. It's not that I have dial-up or surf the net at the public library, just that I'm very finicky...and have the attention span of a 2 year old...dog.

Well, one of the sites I leave tabbed is Facebook and what should greet my eyes on my facebook homepage today but another advertisement.

Typically, Facebook ads are just invasive (because they know everything I do) and scare the crap out of me (nothing compared to the Gmail mind reading sidebar). But this one just pissed me off. Its not that I know where the best seats are or don't fully grasp the autonomy of the add, its just that its plain old factually inaccurate.

So I went to trusty google to get the answer to my question (typing in: "best seats in baseball"). Sure enough, the first sport was a little ESPN piece of garbage declaring the Red Sox as the best.
This is also false (sorry Google, you missed the boat on this) because our buddy at ESPN, Josh Pahigian, who wrote this "Special to ESPN SportsTravel" declared the new "Monster Seats" to be the best "seats" in baseball.

As an aside, I'd like to point out that I, too, am baffled that ESPN has/had a "SportsTravel" section, group, team of writers of what have you but I'm not surprised that they funded some asshole to go to sports venues around the country and say; "Hey they gave me the best seats in the house...this is well worth my price of admission...which was nothing."

Sorry, aside number 2. I was also stunned to learn that the "Green Monstah" is the 2nd largest outfield wall in baseball, just getting beaten by the "Arch Nemisis" in none other than York, PA. Why should you care. You shouldn't but I happened to be born in Lancaster, PA, which is right next to York...so it was a fun fact for me.

But my point, beyond all this blabbering, is that these "Green Monster" seats, declared the best in baseball by anti-christ ticket brokers and joe blow of ESPN, are on par with beating Tiger Woods on one leg at the US Open in difficulty (AKA Practically Impossible). You just can't get them for face value (unless you consider $1,000 plus from StubHub "Face value"). The way "Monster seats" are picked up is via a lottery system prior to the season. And you enter the lottery by becoming a member of Red Sox Nation (and paying ten bucks!). Then you have, what I guess to be, about a 1 in 20 shot of getting a ticket. Yeah, seriously, One Ticket.

But more than that, Fenway is known for obstructed views, cramped uncomfrotable seats and urinal troughs (talk about class!). Its a quaint park, its a part of history, but personally, once you've go

So the best seats in baseball? I think not.

Blogger Q&A: Behbigben15

Name: Ben Heck

Nickname: Big Ben

Favorite Sports Team: Pittsburgh Steelers

Favorite Player of all time: Well, I am only a young'n, so I grew up watching guys like Kordell Stewart, Kent Graham, Tommy Maddox, and of course Ben Roethlisberger quarterbacking the Steelers. Ben Roethlisberger is by far my favorite player, and he also happens to be the reason my nickname is "Big Ben". Roethlisberger is only 26 years old and he's already a Super Bowl champion, and is a pro bowler. In my short life, I don't think I've seen a QB better at avoiding the rush than Ben. Every snap he has the potential to turn nothing into something, and I am more and more confident in his skills every year. Jerome Bettis, the future Hall of Fame RB, is a very close second.

Favorite food: Spaghetti, of course. Who doesn't like spaghetti!?

Favorite drink: Well...I am too young to legally drink, so I'll have to go with my favorite soda, Mountain Dew.

If you could take three things with you on a deserted island, what would they be?: Hmmm...I would say food, my computer (haha), and my girlfriend (that is, IF she counts as a "thing").

Favorite word: Since I write, I don't think I can play favorites...I LIKE ALL WORDS!!

If you could be an animal, what animal would you be and why: I would be a tiger of course! I know for a fact that no human would want to stand face to face with a tiger, and when I hear the word tiger, I think of Tiger Woods...Do I really have to elaborate on that? I mean, this is arguably the best golfer of all-time we're talking about.

Favorite sporting moment of all time: I would have to go with Super Bowl XL. The only Steelers Super Bowl victory that occurred during my lifetime. It was a great feeling knowing that "The Bus" finally won the big one, and went out a champion. Very few athletes have had that chance.

What do you bring to the table?: I'm not really the one to ask. I just do my thing, I'll bring whatever you want to the table. Read a few of my articles, and YOU tell me what I bring to the table.

What do you take off the table?: Okay, this is a little easier than the question above. I obviously am young, and don't know as much as all you older bloggers. Give me about ten years or so, and ask me again. That would be my biggest flaw. I haven't had that much experience at this stuff. I joined Armchairgm.com on April 19th, 2007. Before then, I was just a sports fan, I had ZERO writing experience (other than the language arts/english classes I was taking in school).

If you could have lunch with any three people in the world, who would it be and why: In the sporting world? I'll go with Walter Payton, because he was (apparently) quite a person, and really loved the game, and knew how to play it the right way. And, I'll stick with what I know best, the Pittsburgh Steelers: Jack Lambert, he's a legend in Pittsburgh, and may just be one of the greatest LBers of all-time. He was simply a beast. The third person will be my current idol, Ben Roethlisberger. I have way too many questions I would love to ask him, and there are many things I would like to know about him. Call me crazy, weird, retarded..WHATEVER you want, those three guys would be the people I would choose to have lunch with first. But to tell you the truth, I would love to have lunch with any athlete in this large world. I don't hate or even really dislike any athletes, there all my idols.

Describe yourself in one word: Exhilarating...yes, that's right, I can use big words, too.

Favorite sport and why: I would definitely have to say American Football..in particular, the NFL. I really can't explain the real reason I enjoy watching, and playing football. Mainly because, I simply don't know the reason. I fell in love with the sport at a very young age (possibly at around age 3?). I just love everything about the game; the players, coaches, equipment, strategy, etc etc etc.

...That's all I've got.

Q&Apostrophe...


[key dramatic entrance music]

Name: Andrew...

Nickname(s): Falcon because... I actually can't remember far enough back to remember why. Apostrophe because I can be a philosophiser and that is the name I use...

Favorite Sports Team: I have been a Eagles fan for years but I didn't really get into football until I was in my teenage years. I jumped on the Tampa Bay Rays bandwagon at the beginning of this season, but I am more a fan of baseball than a specific team. I also root for the Phillies, but that is a new thing I'm trying. The only team I have been a huge fan of my entire life is the Philadelphia Flyers. So I'm going to say my favorite team is the boys in Orange and Black...

Favorite Player of all time: As a baseball fan, growing up, everyone wanted to be Junior Griffey. Baseball being my favorite sport and Griff being one of the best players ever, it is not hard to say he is my number one...

Favorite food: I SCREAM, you SCREAM, we all SCREAM for ICE CREAM! There are just so many different flavors and combinations and it's just the most amazing innovation ever...

Favorite drink: Against the wishes of Adam Sandler, I'm going to go with Gatorade. I'm always active, so I need that will keep up...

If you could take three things with you on a deserted island, what would they be? Carmella DeCesare because she belongs in a coconut bikini. The other two things would be a fueled, fully-equipped helicopter and a pilot...

Favorite word: Apostrophe. One of my teachers once gave this word a new meaning. Now I'm not sure what it means...

If you could be an animal, what animal would you be and why: Could be? I am the Falcon...

Favorite sporting moment of all time: Even though I was far from a figment of any body's mind, the 1980 Miracle on Ice is the best moment in the history of American sports. It was more than just a hockey game and more than just the Olympics. This game had meaning that transcended sport...

What do you bring to the table? I may not be the best writer or the most intelligent person, but I can sure talk/write for a long facking time. Don't tempt me...

What do you take off the table? I don't quite understand the question...

If you could have lunch with any three people in the world, who would it be and why? Carmella DeCesare (hot), Junior Griffey (hero), and Wayne Gretzky (amazing)...

Describe yourself in one word: Blunt...

Favorite sport and why? Baseball. There is nothing else in the world like this sport. There is so much that goes on during the course of a single game, you are always learning something new, it has stood the trials of time, and most of all it relates to all aspects of life...

Let me make one thing clear, Blunt can also mean "straight-shooter." Take it as you will...

Q&A: Justin, Resident Phanatic

Name: Justin

Nickname: JuTMSY4 or Justin...a lot of people ask me where i got "JuTMSY4." All I remember doing is making it up as an AIM screen name over 10 years ago...since then, it's lost all meaning. I really have no idea. Since then, I've managed to use it over and over again...mostly because I remember it

Favorite Sports Team: I bleed green. Its the Philadelphia Eagles. But I'm a Philadelphia fan through and through

Favorite Player of All Time: He may be displaced in 10 years, but right now its Brian Dawkins. The guy's a consummate team player, a leader on the field and a tough motherfucker.

Favorite Food: Either Spaghetti and sauce (Cheap noodles and some Ragu is fine by me) or German Potato Salad...extra vinegar please

Favorite Drink: Yuengling Lager

If you could take three things with you on a deserted island, what would they be:

Angela:
I would take The DaVinci Code... so I could burn The DaVinci Code.
Dwight: Okay. Great, that's going to keep you warm for like 7 seconds. Question: is there fire wood on the island?
Jim: I guess.
Dwight: Then I would bring an axe, no books.
Jim: Uh, it has to be a book, Dwight.
Dwight: Fine. Physician's Desk Reference.
Jim: Nice. Smart.
Dwight: ...hollowed out, inside: waterproof matches, iodine tablets, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket, and, in case I get bored, Harry Potter and Sorcerer's Stone. No, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Question: did my shoes come off in the plane crash?
Oh, you meant seriously? I'd take a Volleyball. Because you can use it for anything...Soccer, basketball, bouncing up in the air...And I don't even like Volleyball...but its the most versatile of the balls.
I'd actually take a bible...its the most famous piece of literature in the world and is incredibly long. If there's something I'd be doomed (did I say that?) to read for the rest of my life, I guess I'd have to go with that...maybe I could be all philosophical...
The third is my Reggie White jersey. Because I wouldn't want to be rescued by a Cowboys fan.

Favorite Word: "Antidisestablishmentarianism" Its the longest word in the dictionary

If you could be an animal, what animal would you be and why: Human's an animal right?

Favorite Sporting Moment of All Time: I don't really know how I could pick one. Living in Boston at the time, I'll could say the Combo :Aaron Boone to the Red Sox Comeback a year later (it was really fun and I didn't hate the Red Sox then) or Philly staples iIenjoyed (or have gotten over) like Joe Carter's game 6 blast, the Eagles getting taped by the Patriots in SB 39 or the Flyers '97 drubbing by the Red Wings.
In the end, I'll go with three other options and a final choice. 2000: Eagles Vs. Cowboys and in the infamous Pickle Juice Game. On the opening kickoff the Eagles faked a regular kick and went on sides, recovering and proceeding to blow out the Cowboys. 2002: Brian Westbrook's miracle return against the Giants. But the winner is 4th and 26. If you need to look it up, then you probably don't miss Freddy Mitchell and his hands as much as I do.

What do you bring to the table: Honestly, I'm a Philly fan stuck in Boston, which is something like the 8th circle...the only advantage being its a pretty nice city. I'm also opinionated as hell and I will defend my favorite teams to the grave. Any Eagles fan can rip the Eagles, but another fan, you can forget it. Otherwise, I'm an eclectic style. One day I'll write a serious piece questioning a style of blocking by an NFL coach (which I've done...Shanahan you dick!) and another day I'll sit down and as an American Gladiator some questions, like why he howls (also done...His name was Wolf).
Oh and if you say I can't do it...I'll do it

What do you take off the table: Motivation. When the Muse inspires me, I can catch fire, but if I get bogged down, it could take a while to get out of a funk.

If you could have lunch with any three people in the world, who would they be and why:

For Sports: That'd be Buddy Ryan. The guy's on of the strangest heroes in Philadelphia. Never won a playoff game for the Eagles but is revered and arguably more respected than current Head Coach Andy Reid (who is the most successful Eagles coach). To pick Buddy's brain would be a treat.
For the World: There's three choices for me. 1) Hu Jintao, the current leader of China, 2) Vladimir Putnin, the leader of Russia. But in reality there's one guy who I feel would be the ideal lunch partner.
Henry Kissinger is so savvy, so well connected and so wise on practically all matters, that to sit down with him and grasp just one aspect of his presence, authority and understanding would take a series of lunch dates lasting well beyond a decade. Without a doubt, we'll disagree on issues, but amongst his experience would be so much to learn.
For me: This one's a no-brainer and it doesn't happen as often as it should any more. But the person I respect the most in this world is my father and to enjoy another sandwich across from the old man is always an awesome treat (and generally he buys!). But I love and respect my dad more than anything and our conversations are always a treat.

Describe Yourself in one word: Relentless

Favorite Sport and Why: Its a tough spot to pick between Football and Baseball. Baseball was my first love, but football has always echoed as the ideal struggle and provides the opportunity to always have a shot (you're never out in football). It's the buzz of September in Philly that seals the deal. Just the excitement and momentum no matter how bad the team is. When its football season, all is right.

Question and Answer Session: Crackajg

To get everyone to know us a little better and differentiate ourselves from one another since there’s eight of us, we figured we’d all post a little question and answer session about ourselves. Arrogant? Maybe. But nothing teaches you more about a man than when you learn what animal he would choose to be if he could.. after all.

Name: Josh

Nickname(s): ‘Crack’. It’s a long story, but seriously, I don’t smoke crack.. I swear. Secondly, ‘legend’. That is also a long story but it involves Natty Ice, a police officer, an Eskimo joke and some ice cubes.

Favorite Sports Team: Tie between all of the Boston sports teams. If I had to pick one, and it seems I do, then it’s the Patriots. But only because I’m unhealthily addicted to football.

Favorite Player of all time: Barry Sanders. The man personified the You tube highlight long before it’s time.

Favorite food: I’m gonna have to go with pizza on this one. Only because you can put any other favorite food on pizza and still say pizza is your favorite food. Chicken? Throw it on a pizza. Steak? Put it on a pizza. Jelly beans? Back up, you fucking weirdo.

Favorite drink: Alcoholically? Whiskey. Non-alcoholically? Uh, probably the new light blue Mountain Dew. Tis bomb. TRY IT!

If you could take three things with you on a deserted island, what would they be?: An easy bake oven, all seven Harry Potter books and a laptop with an internet connection card. And yes, I’m being serious. And no, I don’t care that’s technically nine things and not three.

Favorite word: Behoove. As in, it would behoove you to start using the word behoove.

If you could be an animal, what animal would you be and why: A cat. Those things are pampered. Eat, shit, sleep and have everyone fawn over you because you eat, shit and sleep all day. Done and done.

Favorite sporting moment of all time: I hate to be cliché, but the 2004 Red Sox World Series title. P.S. The Yankees suck. Just throwing that out there.

What do you bring to the table?: An appetite.

What do you take off the table?: Whatever my ADHD ass can get it’s hands on.

If you could have lunch/a beer/insert preferred social occasion here with any three people in the world, who would it be and why: MMA fighter Rich Franklin, because he’s the fucking man. Kevin Garnett, because it would be the most intense, fantastic lunch/beer/insert preferred social occasion here ever. Finally, a cloned version of myself because it would be quite interesting, if a little freaky. And because I don't think anyone else will pick that and sometimes I just like to be different.

Describe yourself in one word: Hyper.

Favorite sport and why: Football, because just thinking about the upcoming season gets my loins a stirring.

Hello, World! We are the Bad News Bloggers! The good news is - You have no idea what you might be in for!

Manny Stiles welcomes you all!

Let the madness begin!
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