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Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Top 10 Reasons The NFL Salary Cap Must Stay In Place

I know, duh right? But with the 2011 season getting closer and closer with each passing day, I’ve taken it upon myself to take a look at some of the reasons having no salary cap would be a bad idea. Okay, fine -- so I wanted to do another top ten. Sue me! While it’s pretty easy to think of a bunch of reasons why no salary cap would be bad, it’s always hard to compile these things and rank them in an order so people won’t disagree and make fun of you. And by hard, I mean fun. And when I hint that I tried to make it as controversy-free as I could, I’m lying. So let’s just let the good times/disagreements/witty insults roll!

10. The league minimum? Uh, not so minimal.

If you think kickers had the life now, forget it when the league average and minimum are upped due to no salary cap. Such a high minimum salary for such horrible athletes who barely play. Awesome! But hey, at least it will make everyone hate kickers and punters even more and that’s always a good thing! The league minimum and league average should rise hand in hand, since if either goes up, so must the other. And they would both have to go up if there’s no salary cap. So, there you go.

9. Think you’ll finally rid yourself of Peyton Manning? Think again!

The answer to this is obvious, but the thought did cross my mind: Would Peyton Manning finally give up all his damn commercials if his already lucrative contract was enlarged to even larger proportions? The answer to this is a resounding no, which is a shame. Such an occurrence would have been a major plus in the anti-salary capper's campaign.

8. “Hey, is that Freddie Mitchell?” AAA NFL football!

With many teams unable to compete with the rich, heavy-hitting owners, a lot of teams will undoubtedly be forced to be less competitive. The likely solution would be to drop some teams into a IA or AAA type league. While I’m all for a AAA football minor league, having it hold host to the reemergence of Freddie Mitchell, Maurice Clarett, Charles Rogers and many other sub-par former football players instead of it being a breeding ground for not-yet-there rookie athletes would ruin the entire concept. Besides, would anyone even want to see Freddie Mitchell play again, even if it was in minor league football?

7. “Wait, the current rookie contract fiasco could get worse?”

Yes, young man, yes it could. While it may seem impossible for a thing that’s already in such disarray to get even worse, lifting the salary cap would open other fronts in the situation that could damage the league for years to come. With the league average and minimum being upped, the entire draft would basically be a jackpot in which every college football player and their brother would be trying to get in on. Four years of college? Uh, no. It would be more like one and done. What that would mean is less college football experience and less college experience means less talented rookies. Less talented rookies means a shittier league years down the road. As for the current dilemma -- what NFL teams are doing, basically, is offering multi-million dollar managerial positions at top notch restaurants to the best cashiers Burger King has to offer. To be fair, they are Burger King cashier All-Stars, but still. Why in the world are they getting so much money when they haven’t even played in an NFL game yet? And haven’t we learned from the past that there’s not that much of a difference between a player drafted in round one and a player drafted in round five, save for media attention and the desire to succeed? Last time I checked, you couldn’t measure drive and determination through retarded drills with no pads on in Indianapolis. Teams need to stop putting so much stake in what their scouting department says about the players. The NFL Combine is an absolute joke and it amazes me that no one has come up with something better yet. I really hope Matt Ryan pans out for you Mr. Blank, unless you don’t mind throwing nearly 100 million dollars down the drain. Fin.

6. “Wanna go halves on some dogs and beers?” “Sure, here’s my thirty bucks!”

With owners pouring out their wallets in hopes of winning the Super Bowl with it, they will likely need to get a substantial return on their investment through merchandise, tickets, food and beverages at the games. The prices of these would skyrocket to ridiculous proportions. The hardcore, purely fan-filled atmosphere that we currently enjoy at a football game would be threatened due to such expensive tickets. The stands could very well drift into an aristocratic, “Shall we go to the game on Sunday my darling?” type place. I don’t think I need to emphasize on why having football stadiums mimic the atmosphere at Lakers home games is bad, so I won’t.

5. Presenting, The Detroit Zoo Lions!

Tying into number six, owners very well could outsource their team names to advertising companies for even more income revenue. Sure, it would probably seem harmless at first, with something like the Detroit Zoo Lions. But then, it would be the Kansas City A1 Barbeque Sauces. Then, eventually we’d be having games between the New England Downy Softeners and the Dallas Instant Relief Ex-Lax. Um, thanks but no thanks. I’m perfectly fine with some commercials and those ads that are on MMA mats. Keep the stupid product sponsoring where it belongs: In Europe.

4. Like to bet on football? Have fun raking in a whopping $3 when the Dallas Instant Relief Ex-Lax destroy the Detroit Zoo Lions!

Now I don’t want to come off as a gambling junkie or anything, but I’ve bet on some teams from time to time. Thing is, I’ve never had more than $20 to bet, so it would all go towards a four team parlay that would fail miserably and then completely ruin my Sunday. Word of advice: Do not bet on parlays. It’s tempting, because instead of winning $10 you could win four or five times as much. But just remember that you’ll never, ever win and you should be okay. Anyway, with the drop off of good teams to horrible teams being so steep due to the disparity in spending, you can throw parity in regards to your betting out the window. Sure, you’ll have some nice match ups from time to time, but nothing like what you enjoy now. You’d be stuck betting on either the heavily undermanned underdog (effectively losing all of your money) or the mammoth favorite which would net you about $5 or $6 for every $50 you put down. To make any real money, you’d have to put down hundreds -- which would be impossible thanks to that $212 dollar jersey you just bought.

3. The full wrath of Daniel Snyder’s wallet will finally be unleashed upon the world!

You know you deserve a high spot in the top ten when you’re one of the first things and/or people that everyone thinks of when the topic of no salary cap comes up. Would it surprise anyone if Snyder goes so overboard after the salary cap is lifted and the league places a special penalty salary cap on him? You can’t blame Redskins fans for not caring. Either way, Snyder will likely spend his cash lavishly on all the wrong players, coaches and assistant coaches to the assistant coaches. Does the film guy have an assistant yet?

2. Loyalty? What’s that?

R.I.P. long term contracts and home town discounts. Hello short term, no-strings-attached ones! With so much money being thrown around in all directions, even players not named Chad Johnson would be grinning with glee. “Loyalty? Sorry, but I got’s to get my money!” You couldn’t blame them either, money would be flowing around like a Pacman Jones visit to the strip club. I don’t say that in a condescending way either. Making it rain is tons of fun, even if I, unlike Pacman, do it with four one dollar bills. Anyway, don’t expect many long term contracts if there’s no salary cap, either. Why would there be? Remaining loyal and being a team player on one particular team for many years would be a thing of the past. In fact, if you did it in the no salary cap era, you’d probably be made fun of and beaten up in the parking lot. One to two year contracts would be flowing like.. a waterfall. Although skill positions and the super-duper stars would likely get medium sized contracts, everyone else would essentially become mercenaries for hire for a year or two.

1. The 512 million dollar, payroll backed Indianapolis French Lick Sandwiches just won the Super Bowl? Weird..

Ah, number one. It was an easy choice. The worst thing that having no salary cap in the NFL could do would be phasing out champions built on knowledgeable sculpting of the team as a whole. I for one consider this to be one of the best parts of the game. Although other sports require tinkering of the team, only football requires the delicate balancing of 52 players and the placement of the correct people in certain situations. We’ve seen owners try and win with just money and we’ve watched them fail. That’s not how the task should be approached especially when it’s been proven you need to have knowledge, acquire key players and position them all correctly in the chess match that is an NFL season. The road to the Lombardi trophy is paved with hard work, sweat, blood, tears and teamwork. Not money.

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