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Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Top 10 Fantasy Football Do Not's

Normally I would try and write a riveting introduction to this article -- but I think the title pretty much explains it as much as it needs to be. So, take notes, learn some things and as always -- at least try and enjoy.

This picture has nothing to do with this article, but I thought everyone would probably enjoy it.

10. Taking your team name too seriously

The Beantown Brawlers? Seriously? First off, you’ve never been a brawl. And second off, you don’t even live in Boston. You live in Abington. So either pick a better name, or try and name your team something that doesn’t blatantly reveal that you think your tough and/or take yourself entirely too seriously. On the extreme end of this, don’t name your team something stupid -- like The Windy City Farters. There is lots of opportunity to act like your twelve years old in fantasy football, but naming your team isn’t one of them.

9. Letting your girlfriend/wife in on the action

While I’m all for girlfriend/wife participation to some extent in fantasy sports, you better not be letting it happen if your league is for money. If it is, than you sir, are a dumb ass. If utilized wisely, this “mistake” can actually turn your usual bickering Sundays into easy-riding football marathons. “But honey, we need to watch the Sunday Night Football game because we have Kevin Kolb on our bench and we need to see how he reacts being on an actual bench during a primetime game. It’s one of the keys to our season!”

8. Thinking your “sleepers” will actually turn out to be sleepers

I don’t care how much you know about football, the whole sleeper business is a crock of shit. Most of the sleepers people pick aren’t even sleepers at all, unless you define a sleeper as someone who everyone knew about and wasn‘t all surprised when they began to have a good season. I’m sorry, but Frank Gore is not a sleeper. Idiot.

7. Not having a draft plan

If you just go into a draft with nothing but your “knowledge” to guide you, than I don’t know what to tell you. You need to know your leagues scoring, you need to know how many of each position you need to start and you need to know the inner-workings of those who are drafting with you. This is why I’m a staunch supporter of friend leagues where you can smack-talk face to face, as opposed to the free Yahoo! Leagues in which no one knows each other, but everyone seems to know each others mother. The more you know about your opponents, the better you can add to your draft plan -- and if you don’t have a draft plan at all, then why the hell are you playing fantasy football?

6. Buying too many fantasy football magazines

I can actually attest to committing this mistake. However, one day it hit me. Most of the magazines that are available for fantasy football, or fantasy anything for that matter, have pretty much the same information -- just in a different layout and with slightly different words. It’s sort of like in high school when you tried to turn that one sentence fact into a four paragraph essay. At least, that’s what I did in high school.

5. Buying into hype

Most of the time, hype doesn’t really produce actual results. It just produces enough hype for you to buy into it and eventually lose games, money and points. And as we all know, those three go hand in hand. See: Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart. Hey, they both went to USC. Weird.

4. Buying into upside

Upside is all well and great, but if can often get you into trouble. Most of us aren’t narcissists so we always try and look at the upside of a player but sometimes too much so. Like that time when I called everyone to write down that I was predicting Mewelde Moore as the next great running back. That didn’t turn out so well, as I’m sure you know. It still haunts me to this day.

3. Taking the smack talk just a tad too far

Yes, if your among friends you can push the limits and call a remembrance of the time your friend hooked up with that fat girl that looked like a guy. However, calling a remembrance of the time your recently defeated opponent cried because his cat died -- okay, that’s still okay. Pretty much everything is fair game in regards to smack talk. Just don’t joke about any terminally fatal diseases or anything you asshole.

2. Showing up drunk to the draft

Want to draft three kickers, make four trades and profess your love for your friends brother sister? Then drink up, champ. Nothing kicks off a fantasy football season than showing that your only weakness is a thing called booze -- then having everyone subsequently try and get you drunk and make lopsided trades. It’s fun while your getting free drinks and all, but when you wake up the next morning and discover that you’ve traded Larry Fitzgerald for Mark Clayton and Devery Henderson -- well, that’s not as much fun.

1. As a matter of fact, doing anything drunk in regards to fantasy football

Trades, drafting, smack-talk -- if I had to write a fantasy football guide in regards to ‘Do Not Do These Things’ than alcohol would be prominently involved in each one. Take every reason on this list, add some alcohol and you’ve got yourself a potent mixture that will almost always end badly. If your in a money league, than just don’t get drunk. Just don’t do it. Your either going to drunk dial your ex or trade Stephen Jackson for a bag of jelly beans. Neither will end well.

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