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Tuesday, July 8, 2008

I Guarantee You NO Guarantees

{intro music}
(a voice) ...from the guy who brought you the song "Don't Tell People What To Do!" comes another wacky venture with apathetic braggadoccio and mounds of pompumstance.....!!! (raises eyebrows in mock glee)

I guarantee you no guarantees.
What hath this Sportsworld turned into?
A scrub can come hither and hint to
take a hapless franchise to the promised land
a landscape of playoff bounty
Can any fool be so foolhearty?

But this is the year of the surprise!
The downtrodden franchise,
the underdogs like Fresno State
To the "Celtic Triumnervate"
2008 is making winners out of the meek
the new flavors of the weak
It gives a Buffalo Bill the nerves to speak.

It's baffling that so many say nothing.
It's baffling that so little needs to be said to silence millions.
It's baffling that so short is the attention span of the masses
It's baffling for so long, no one remembers how it began

SportsCenter's 8th "Top Play" was a commercial
for an ABC show.
Hail Disney!

You cuddly-seeming Heartless Conglomeration
All your hardest efforts blow.
You're trying to brainwash a demographic,
force us to look at what you want us to see
and use the disguise of sports...
I spell "Failure" with a silent W-I-P-E-O-U-T.

Instant history THIS as it's the BEST EVER what ever it is.

I'm purposely NOT learning the guy's name
because he made a guarantee and I had never heard of him before
But the guarantees are all guaranteed out these days
it's not even interesting anymore.

Guarantees that the contracts aren't getting paid in full.
Guarantees you might finally learn to read in those mandatory two years of school.
Guarantees you'll be prepared for failure and dread.
Guarantees of a life pushing you onto a faster road to 'former football player dead'.

Perhaps it's one too many bongs of beer and three too many of "other"
and after a half a bottle of Chivas this conversation's over
Yes, perhaps I took one too manny pot shots already
I'll go back to trying to diss Suzy Kolber.

Peace and tidings,
M.Stiles 20080708

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