By Josh Galligan
NOTE: The following is a parody. It is entirely fictional and in no way accurately represents how the given person would act/react. If you don't like these types of things, then just simply turn the other way.
The Jeopardy theme song plays and the camera swoops in to show a setting similar to normal Jeopardy’s but with football jerseys and pictures of players all over the place. The camera focuses on a man in an all white suit. Wait, is that…
Lynn: “Hello, I’m Mike Lynn and I welcome you to Pigskin Jeopardy. This edition is focusing on horrible GM’s and owners and a deal has been struck where all four contestants are competing to keep their job. Only the winner will remain employed – the remaining three will be fired on the spot, live on this show. It sounds promising, I know! So go and grab your popcorn, call down your family, and get yourselves ready for some good old fashioned redemption!
“Now let’s introduce our contestants! First up is a jolly old GM from up north. He is a BIG fan of wide receivers, jelly beans, and Enron! Here he is, the Detroit Lions GM – Matt Millen!”
Millen comes jogging out wearing a Herman Moore jersey and waving to the crowd. They boo him but either it’s not fazing him or he’s just learned to filter it out over the years.
Lynn: “Welcome to the show, Matt! Planning on saving your job today?”
Millen: “Oh I definitely plan on proving I’m the best today, Mike. GOOOOOOOO LIONS!!!!
Silence falls over the crowd and if there were crickets present, they would likely be the only audible sound. The booing eventually commences.
Lynn: “Sure. Um, next up is a high roller from our nation’s capital. He enjoys bubble baths, being ridiculously wealthy, and wasting some of his money on multiple, unnecessary, assistant coaches. That’s right folks; let’s hear a big round of applause for Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder!
Snyder comes out dressed to the nines in a suit, and walks towards his podium. He is incredibly stoic and if one didn’t know any better, may have guessed that he was in a supermarket or something. More boos are issued for Snyder, although they aren’t as loud and passionate as they had been for Millen.
Lynn: “Dan! Good to see you. You’re looking sharp as usual!”
Snyder: “Yes.” He looks at his watch.
Lynn: “Charming as ever I see. But moving on to our next contestant… he’s been around longer than dirt and you can absolutely notice that when looking at him. He enjoys complaining, firing people, sardines, and prune juice. Here he is, the corpse formerly known as Al Davis!
Davis zooms out on a motorized scooter, shooting dirty looks at all on path to his podium.
Lynn: Al, good to see you again. How are you?”
Davis: “WHERE ARE MY SLIPPERS!?!?”
Lynn shrugs, with a look of worry spreading over his face as he realizes that it’s going to be a LONG day.
Lynn: “Anyway, on to our last contestant. He enjoys lasagna, fine wine, and bargain shopping. You got it, it’s Jerry Angelo!
Angelo comes out sporting a Ryan Leaf jersey to the bewilderment of all. He looks a bit smug as he moves towards his podium.
Lynn: “Jerry, welcome to the show! Is that a Ryan Leaf jersey you’re wearing there?”
Angelo: “Yes I actually just finalized a four year contract with him. He will be battling it out with Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton for our starting QB position. I think I can speak for all of Chicago when I say that the excitement will be palpable.”
Some gasps can be heard. Lynn holds in his earpiece and mumbles something into his breast pocket. He nods.
Lynn: “Jerry, I’m sorry, but I’ve just checked with the producers of the show and they said that we have the authority to do this since it was in the contracts you all signed. You’re fired. I suggest you leave immediately with all of the Bears fans we have in the crowd.”
The Bears fans in the crowd look unsure of how to react. On one hand, they’re happy Angelo’s been fired, but on the other – the team was now stuck with Ryan Leaf for the next four years. Still though, they start celebrating as Angelo is happily led backstage by… uh-oh, is that Lance Briggs?
Lynn: “Okay, down to only three now!”
Snyder: “I would like to offer the show one million dollars if they declare me the winner.”
Lynn: “Denied Dan. Sorry.”
Snyder: “Two million.” His tone Is very monotonous.
Lynn: “No, shut up. You can’t buy your way out of this one my friend. Let’s get started, though. Just press the buttons in front of you when you think you know the answer to the question.
Davis: “Haven’t I fired you before, boy?” Davis is squinting, trying to get a better look at Lynn.
Lynn: “No. OKAY! The categories are going to be: Business, scouting, strategy, and roster moves. We will go in order and pick the categories for you, starting with $100. Let’s start with business for $100.”
Snyder smirks.
Lynn: “You are currently $2.5 million dollars UNDER the salary cap heading into the regular season. An aging, veteran QB has become available but wants at least $3 million. You could probably get by with your current backup QB. What do you do?”
Snyder buzzes in.
Snyder: “Offer him a $5 million dollar contract and have him over for dinner on my yacht.”
Lynn: “Um… no. That… is incorrect. That is VERY incorrect.”
Millen buzzes in.
Millen: “Sign a WR for about $6 million from the free agent list instead. You can never go wrong with wide receivers you know.”
Lynn: “Uh, not quite. That is also very incorrect. Al, would you like to take a shot?”
Davis does not respond. He appears to have dozed off.
Lynn: “Wow. Okay, well, an acceptable answer would have been anything that didn’t involve going over the salary cap.”
Millen shakes his head, pounding his podium with his fist as if he had JUST missed the question.
Lynn: “Next up is scouting for $100.”
Millen looks up excitedly and turns to Snyder and Davis.
Millen: “A ha, that happens to be my best subject!”
Lynn: “You have two running backs available to you in your draft slot. One is from a BCS school and flirted with being a Heisman candidate during his junior year, although he has had some significant injury problems in the past. The other player is from a mid-major who didn’t win too much while he was on the team, although he did put up some solid stats and his injury history is practically empty. Which selection is the SAFER pick? And you have to choose one or the other, you can’t choose to select a wide receiver instead Mark.”
Snyder buzzes in as Millen does an Eli Manning ‘Aw-shucks’ impersonation.
Snyder: “The first one.”
Lynn: “I’m sorry, but that is incorrect.”
Snyder: “Why?”
Lynn: “Because the SAFER pick would have been the player without an injury history.”
Snyder: “But the first player would be a safer pick if you wanted a better player.”
Lynn: “Perhaps, but that was definitely not the question. So it’s incorrect.”
Millen buzzes in excitedly.
Millen: “THE SECOND PLAYER!?”
Lynn: “That’s correct, but will not count since it was the only other option. Nice effort though, Matt.” Lynn rolls his eyes and looks at the ceiling.
Millen mutters something that sounds suspiciously like ‘Herschel Walker’.
Lynn: “Next up is strategy for $100. Your offensive coordinator that you hired just last year has improved the offense by leaps and bounds, however, he’s impressed so much that he’s outshined the head coach and the local media is demanding he be made the head coach. What do you do?”
Millen buzzes in.
Millen: “Fire the offensive coordinator!”
Lynn: “Wait – what? Why in the world… No, that is disgustingly incorrect.”
Snyder buzzes in.
Snyder: “Give both the offensive coordinator and head coach larger, more lucrative contracts with signing bonuses and an option to join me for dinner on my yacht a few times.” He looks at his watch, as if this was the most obvious answer in the world.
Lynn: “No. No! NO! That is incorrect! The correct answer would have been anything EXCEPT what you two have just said. This is ridiculous – Al, are you awake?”
Davis appears to still be sleeping.
Lynn: “AL!!”
Davis jumps up, startled.
Davis: “AH -- JUST WIN BABY!” He looks around. “Who the hell are you? Where the hell am I?”
Lynn: “Okay, get him out of here. He’s in no position to be overseeing an NFL franchise either. None of these geniuses are!”
Davis: “Neither are you!”
Millen: “Yeah! Why don’t you go trade in your car, mortgage off your house, and sell all your belongings so you can get a signed Herschel Walker helmet!” He snickers.
Lynn: “Okay, fine! HAVE AT IT WITH THE HERSCHEL WALKER JOKES! Everyone acts like I traded away for some bum. IT WAS HERSCHEL WALKER! Did you see what he looked like back then without pads on?”
Snyder: “So? You still gave away nearly half the teams assets.”
Lynn: “Whatever! I’m not getting into it. I made a mistake, but it was the only major one that I made. You guys average one dumb decision every two weeks!”
Davis is escorted backstage, still yelling about slippers the entire way.
Lynn: “But since there’s only two of you left, and because I now have a migraine, we’re going right into Final Jeopardy. Whoever answers it correctly wins. It’s open-ended, so the better answer will be slated as the winner. The category is roster management. It is the Friday before week seven and your current starting QB has been struggling to consistently play well. Although your 3-3, the team has dropped the past two games and he hasn’t looked very good at all. The backup QB is young as well as a fan favorite. Putting him in for the rest of the season may do you well in the long run, but you would likely spoil your chances of a shot at the playoffs that year. What do you do? You have two minutes. Go.
Jeopardy music plays… for two whole minutes.
Lynn: “Times up, let’s take a look at your answers. Matt, you wrote:
‘I would trade the young promising QB for a solid and proven wide receiver. Then the struggling QB would obviously get better with a good WR to throw to.’Why am I even surprised? I should have known. What is it with you and wide receivers? Seriously? Did a psychic tell you to try and involve them in as many roster moves as you can? Never got to be one but wanted to? What? What is it?! You just traded away the future franchise QB for a ‘solid’ wide receiver! WHY?”
Millen: “Uh, how can you NOT like wide receivers? They’re the best, most exciting position. They are the most integral position in building a championship contender in my opinion. If being a fan of wide receivers and getting as many of them as I can is wrong, then I DON’T WANT TO BE RIGHT!” He runs backstage, looking incensed.
Lynn: “Wow. Okay, well – Dan, you’re the last one left. That means that you win, I think. Let’s take a look at your answer though, just for fun… you wrote:
‘I would scan the free agent market and sign the best QB to a contract that he couldn’t refuse. I would offer him about double what he should have been offered so that he’ll sign quickly and there will be no problems. Then there would be one more option at QB for the coaches to go to.’Wow, that’s a good idea Dan – make the QB situation even MORE complicated than it already is. And offer the QB double what he would normally get? Wow. Just, wow. Bravo!”
Snyder: “When will people realize that I have so much money that it doesn’t matter whether I overspend or not? I overspend because it makes everything go by quicker and I’m a very impatient person. I want things done when I want them done. Not three weeks later, not five hours later, not even five minutes later. I want them done right THEN because my name is Daniel Snyder and I get my way no matter what. If I don’t then I just spend more money.”
Lynn: “Such a nice alternative to pouting. That’s it though, I’m done. I’m not even going to try and comprehend how you can believe what you just said or else I think my head may explode. Congratulations, but your still an idiot. Goodbye!” He walks backstage.
There are several moments of awkward silence. Snyder looks at his watch and turns to walk off backstage as well. The Jeopardy music then cuts in and the credits roll as the crowd appears like they’re trying to wrap their minds around everything that was just said. Then it dawns on them that they are now free of Matt Millen, Al Davis, and Jerry Angelo and they all break into a ruckus applause.
Posts
