The Gauntlet: MMBBQ (12/8/08)

Today Petey did something that we rarely see in today's MMQBs: He opened his article with a readable diatribe...about football.

He gave his hits, misses and thoughts on the week, but, as always, found some ways to be sensationalist enough to prove that he's still a moron. But hey, a novel concept here, he's going to talk about a myriad of good NFL games to lead off his column.

Someone fire up the grill!

Only the division winner (of the AFC East) will make the playoffs. Flip a coin: I'll take the team playing the best defense: Miami. Incredible. Miami with a home playoff game.

Hmm. Well, let's take a realistic approach. The Jets have Buffalo (a winnable game), @ Seattle (a tough west coast trip) and Miami in what could be a play-in game. The Dolphins have San Francisco (a team playing much better), @ Kansas City (a tough road game, similar to Seattle) and @ the Jets to, as mentioned above, possible decide the division. And the defending AFC Champs (Admittedly Brady-less) are @ Oakland (a tough road game), Arizona (a pushover division champ) and @ Buffalo (just as winnable).

Who are you picking? I admit, New England has a west coast game in a tough environment, but Oakland is still miserable and they're already adjusted to the west coast thanks to a trip to Seattle this week. But Arizona is totally weak at this point, playoff team or not and Buffalo clearly already has a fork in 'em. The Jets have the toughest schedule in my opinion and the Dolphins don't have a clear tie-breaker over the Pats. Still...the Dolphins?!

In the NFC, Petey makes goes big...or he goes home:

Carolina: 9-3 overall (6-3 in NFC)
Dallas: 8-5 (6-4)
Atlanta: 8-5 (5-4)
Philadelphia: 7-5-1 (6-4)
Washington: 7-6 (6-4)
Chicago: 7-6 (5-5)
New Orleans: 7-6 (4-5)

How I see it: I like Carolina, but I don't trust the Panthers now as much as I do Atlanta, which is odd to say with the Falcons coming off a loss in New Orleans. ... The Panthers may have to win two of four against a tough slate to make it. ... I also don't see how Dallas recovers from that absurd loss in Pittsburgh. ... I see Philadelphia winning out (Cleveland, at Washington, winner-take-all with Dallas at home) and Atlanta edging Carolina on a tiebreaker for the other playoff spot.

So let me get this straight. Both Atlanta and Philly are making the playoffs. Well, assuming there are no other ties in the NFL, Philly won't tie anyone (seems reasonable, right?). So they finish 10-5-1 according to Petey. Now Carolina has a tough remaining schedule (Tampa, Denver, @Giants and @ New Orleans) while Atlanta has Tampa, @ Minnesota and St. Louis, which seem possible to go 2-1 in.

Did he really just call the Panthers going 0-4 down the stretch. Given a Tampa victory tonight to keep the Giants honest, I suppose it makes sense...but that's friggin' nuts. Denver's defense is pitiful, the Giants look a little lost with Burress and the Saints? Well, they're great at home, but a week 17 game to keep Carolina home?

We will see Petey. If Philly gets in, I'll be glad to eat crow.

Never Judge a QB until year 7...unless you judge them before:

I don't buy that perception about Romo [not being a big-game quarterback], by the way; I'm simply making the point that if the Cowboys don't make the playoffs, the thread of two straight playoff-opening losses and this horrible interception will begin to write the book on Romo. My other point is that Romo deserves the criticism, but let's let his career breathe before we label him some sort of A-Rod in the clutch.

There is NO WAY you can judge a 28 year old quarterback after 6 years in the NFL (and 3 years starting). Just no way. Of course he did rank said Romo ahead of some Super Bowl winning quarterback just last year...just saying...

Stab the motherfucker!

Wade Phillips sharpens résumé skills. What? Too early for this one? OK. We'll give it a week or two. Am I blaming him? Not at all. But it's not me Phillips has to worry about.

Well, ok then

But what about us?

This game will be dissected for days in Dallas and celebrated like few other Steelers wins ever -- and I mean that, because in neo-natal units across western Pennsylvania, nurses coo babies to sleep by cursing the Cowboys. But the Cowboys played it a little too safe for me in the fourth quarter.

That's such horse shit, everyone hates the Cowboys... Dallas Sucks

!

What does beating the Giants do?

1. New York Giants (11-2). What a weird way to clinch a division, licking wounds at home while Dallas choked in frigid Pittsburgh. G-men are 19-4 in the last 53 weeks. But one thing they have to be concerned with is how they struggled without the deep threat of Plaxico Burress. And that's not going to change. They've got the formidable, and angry, Dallas secondary to contend with next week, deep in the heart of Texas.

See last weeks "Fine 15"

6. Philadelphia (7-5-1). I know it's only two games, after a succession of bad ones, but this is not a team you want to be playing right now. Not with Brian Westbrook producing 166 yards a game over the last two weeks, not with Jim Johnson's defense playing superbly.

and this makes perfect sense because the Ravens just pasted the Eagles last week 36-7 and the Redskins this week 24-10 and the Redskins beat the Eagles 23-17 in October, ergo, the Eagles are the 6th best team in the NFL to the Ravens 5th. Makes perfect sense indeed.

And Petey with the hook!

"I've heard about the billboards. I don't rush out to pillory myself and look at them.''

-- Bengals owner, president and GM Mike Brown, on the four billboards put up around Cincinnati by a protesting group of fans called whodeyrevolution.com. The group is asking for donations of $18, or $1 for every year of Brown's stewardship of the team, and says on its Web site: "Einstein's famous quote, 'Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,'' should be framed and put above the door to Mike Brown's office.''

Ouch...

Really now?

NFL teams, particularly one of the league's hot teams this season, don't practice like your father's NFL teams did.

No shit. Where'd the leather helmets go?!

The Holiday Sales Pitch:

Lots of good selections out there this year, and I've highlighted nine of them here that I think will be appealing to real football fans.

Yeah, he has a friggin' page dedicated to hocking the books of his fellow colleagues (who dropped him a wad of cash in exchange). That's cute

And of course, our favorite 10 things he thinks he thinks...he thinks...

d. Keith Olbermann on the happenings in the Motor City: "The Lions haven't won since the presidency of James K. Polk.''

What the hell does that even mean? Hasn't won since the Harding Administration...ok, that coincided with the explosion of Ford Motor Corp...but Polk? Am I missing something?

i. I'd worry about that Marion Barber dislocated toe if I were the Cowboys.

Jerry Jones isn't.

j. Marvelous Millen Legacy Dept.: Detroit drafted wide receivers Charles Rogers, Roy Williams, Mike Williams and Calvin Johnson in the top 10 of the draft between 2003 and 2007. Rogers is out of football, and in an Oakland County (Mich.) jail for probation violation. Roy Williams has been traded to Dallas. Mike Williams is out of football. Calvin Johnson looks like he'll be a good NFL receiver. On Sunday, against Minnesota, the following were Detroit's first three receivers: Johnson, John Standeford (up and down from the practice squad much of the year) and Keary Colbert (signed last Monday). What a debacle.

Just keep rubbing it in, I'm sure Detroit fans appreciate it

2. I think the NFL has to take Pro Bowl voting away from fans. It's silly, it's pointless, and it makes a mockery of the game. How can Joe from Klamath Falls vote for three guards in the NFC? I don't even like players voting. The vote should go to 96 people: two coordinators per team one pro scout per team. Then it would really mean something.

Ok, I was up in arms about this, until I read the last two statements. I was concerned Petey would give this to the media, but if you allow some serious professionals to get involved, I actually agree. You get one there Norm!

c. Can you believe the Lions' fourth-and-a-foot call right before halftime by Colletto? Sending Daunte Culpepper behind right guard, into the teeth of the marauding Williams brothers, the best run-stuffing combination at defensive tackle in football? Terrible call, and Culpepper didn't get an inch. What possible logic is there to that call? It's almost a fireable call.

Am I the only one who still realizes Daunte Culpepper is like 6-4, 250. Its a god damned foot, you've got arguably the strongest quarterback in the game and you're 0-12. Why not push it?

e. Why does Rutgers end up in these Single-A bowls every year? There can't be 15 teams in America playing better over the last five or six weeks.

Because they suck ass! When you're 7-5 (4th in the weak Big East) and have losses to Fresno State, West Virginia and Navy how do you expect to make it to make it to a good bowl. And yes, their are 15 better teams; just look at the top 25...and then we'll still find 15 more teams

4. I think this is what I know about the plans for the new United Football League, scheduled to begin play in September on Thursday and Friday nights in, most likely, six markets:

· Two of the possible six franchises still need owners, and in these tough times, that has to be worrisome.

· If Jim Fassel doesn't have an NFL job by February, the UFL wants to hire him to coach the New York franchise. At $1.5 million or $2 million for the season, Fassel could do worse.

· The week after the NFL season ends in February, the league will hold an online poll of fans, asking if they think the league should pursue Michael Vick to play for one of its teams in 2009. If the vote is yes, the UFL will try to sign Vick to play -- presumably while he is under suspension for a year by the NFL after leaving prison on his dogfighting conviction.

· Field goals of 50 yards and longer will count for four points.

· There will be XFL-like locker-room and on-field cameras.

· There will be a female referee.

Ok, that's just kind of interesting. Will the female ref be wearing a bikini?